Commentary Search

What you can do for a friend in need

F.E. Warren AFB, Wyo. -- In the Air Force, we constantly talk about perception versus reality. 

I know it's easier to be the person deployed, rather than the spouse that stays home. 

I've deployed once and said goodbye to my husband three times for his deployments. Each time was harder as the wife at home rather than the Airman who left. 

Asking for help is hard for anyone to do. When my husband was deployed, I must have been asked three times a day, "What do you need, and are you okay?" Although the intentions were good, I always said no because it was embarrassing for me to admit I was stressed out and couldn't handle things alone. 

When you ask someone if they need something, it puts the responsibility on the spouse to ask for a favor. I found it hard to put aside my pride and do that. 

I encourage you to ask this question in another way so that the person in need feels like you are offering. For example, invite the person for dinner at your house. 

When someone asked me to dinner, I always said yes because it was a social event. I didn't have the burden of hosting people, and I didn't have to deal with the cleanup afterward. 

Make sure you ask your friend over for a specific night and time. If you just airily mention dinner, chances are that spouse will not remind you of the invitation, and it won't happen.
Call the deployed member's spouse and ask him or her to a movie, shopping or a base event. When my husband deployed, the thought of attending base events was hard; the empty chair next to me was a reminder he was gone. 

If there's a big event at the Trail's End Club, invite the spouse and offer to pick him or her up so they don't have to arrive alone. Make sure you invite him or her to accompany you and just not ask, "Are you going to this?" It may sound the same, but believe me, it's not.
Also, many of the spouse's social engagements stop unintentionally because they have less time and now have individual status. 

As a married person, I didn't have a large group of single friends. I was used to being in a partnership. 

Other people were also used to seeing me as part of a duo, and suddenly going to dinner with other couples made me feel like the odd woman out. 

Spouses of deployed members have a lot on their plate. They are constantly waiting to hear from their loved one, and a missed phone call can seem like the end of the world. Their free time is limited as they have more to do around the house, and their social identity has changed because of their spouse's absence. 

I believe the best thing you can do for someone whose spouse is deployed is let them know you are their friend. This is important. 

Spouses can feel like the only reason they are getting attention is because they are seen as a charity case. 

Make sure you let them know you care about them. 

Go the extra mile when it comes to communicating, and think of creative ways you can show them that you'd like to spend more time with them while their spouse is away.