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No more drastic weather changes thanks to innovative Airman

A visual representation of what a light switch looks like on a MAF gate. For clarification, there is no such switch on any gates. (File photo)

A visual representation of what a light switch looks like on a MAF gate. For clarification, there is no such switch on any gates. (File photo)

F.E. WARREN AIR FORCE BASE, Wyo. --

An innovative idea from one of Mighty Ninety’s own will solve Cheyenne’s weather problem and with the flip of a switch both Airmen and local community members alike will not only receive sunny, wind-calm days, but sunny dispositions as well.

For those who live in the temperamental city of Cheyenne wearing a coat and snow shoes one day to wearing shorts and flip flops the next is commonplace, but residents can now expect a climate that will surely solidify F.E. Warren place as the world’s premier Northern Tier base.  However, before one can understand this once thought impossible feat, one must first understand the innovative Airman who brainstormed the solution.

Airman First Class April Satire, 90th Scientific Breakthrough Division, grew up in Cheyenne and has always wished that her beloved hometown would have less wind, warmer temperatures and more sunshine year-round. As a child she tried everything and anything she could think of to stabilize and improve the fickle weather. Her mother, Ima, fondly remembers some of Satire’s childhood attempts.

“April’s 5th grade school science project was a man who claimed he could stop wind that she found on the internet,” said Ima. “She saved up all the money she made from shoveling walking paths for visiting rodeo fans and payed for what she thought was a bona fide wind-stopper. Sadly it turned out to be a scam, and after that failed attempt April vowed to find a fix herself.”

Her vow lead to her joining the military as soon as she found out about 90 SBD, a new military division, whose purpose is to solve problems for what many feel are impossible endeavors. The division has produced many solutions in the past to include the Antelopes Wearing Reflective Belts safety campaign that will be implemented later this year.

So how will this be done one may ask? The “how” is actually quite simple.

Thanks to Satire and a team of dedicated officials a gate that will simultaneously shut off all windmills and block atmospheric pressure changes will be installed later today. 

“We are fools to not have thought of this sooner,” said Satire. “It turns out that to produce less wind we just needed to turn off all nearby windmills and thankfully the gate switch we are installing, to do just that, emits a radio frequency that minimizes weather changes.”

Although the solution is simple, the road to get there was not. Originally, the radio frequency was heard by the base’s many antelope and it was causing the antelope to protest at the front gate. In addition to that they threatened to go on strike, which would have resulted in the very popular Antelope publication to have to change its name. Luckily, a few tweaks remedied the problem and no antelope will be affected by the gate switch.

So what does that mean for the Mighty Ninety? No more spring winters! The gate will be fully operation the moment this article is read and the snow currently on the ground will turn into flowers thanks to what is being named April Fool’s gate in A1C Satire’s honor.

Editor's Note: Though it would be a great concept, unfortunately we are unable to control the weather at this time. Please check back in with us next year. We hope you enjoyed a bit of a laugh.